A Kitchen that never closed

The last time I talked to my mother-in-law she told me how very much she loved me and that she was proud of me. I did not know that those would be the last words she and I would share.

Today at 12:26 p.m. we released her to heaven. The night and day have been a fog. It’s hard to think straight, hard to imagine, going home to the farm without her waiting to welcome my arrival. She made coming home so inviting. I won’t get to the farm until late tonight, but I know what I want to do first. I want to clean and straighten up for her. She always had her home ready when guest were expected and there will be a flood of guest “fixin” to land upon that place; coming to show their love and support to us - her family and to honor this woman who has loved the Lord, her husband, children, grandchildren, and great-grand child passionately.

Let me tell you about my mother-in-law. As could be expected we did not always see eye to eye about life, her son, and the grand yungins as many a daughter-in-law and mother-in-laws are known to do. We were not the exception. It would even be fair to say that we had many a heated interactions in those early years. But as I grew up I came to admire and cherish this woman who raised two incredible kids who love the Lord and who grew to love me as one of her own. She paved a solid foundation, with no apology or excuse, for a life lived committed to Jesus. She took great pride that all, yes all, of her children, in-law children, and her grandchildren loved and were serving the Lord. Her own two children passionately, not perfectly, served Him with great fortitude. Neither giving up to the call on their lives to tell the world that Jesus is the Son of God Most High.

When we would be driving from Texas to Alabama and slowly get closer and closer to seeing the lights of the Wood family farm, the homestead, excitement would build in the car. The kids would be so tired from the 17 to 22 hour journey, many times we would awaken them when we pulled down the drive in the wee hours of the morning; but they always were excited to get to the farm. We were never disappointed. Not once did we arrive at that house that it was not filled with home cooked goodies, clean crisp linens on the beds, and something cooked in the kitchen waiting our arrival. She would fix ALL our favorite dishes throughout the visit; let me say that no one, no one, makes home made biscuits and cream corn like my mother-in-law, my two favorites. She was constantly in that kitchen, from early early early morning to late at night; she made sure we always had plenty to eat. And on are trips home, she would always hand me a bag of the leftovers for our journey home, sandwiches, chips, cookies, fruits, cakes, and more. Even on our trip back to Texas we were reminded of the one who labored for hours in her kitchen. She was one amazing cook!!!

But maybe the thing I loved about her most was how much she loved us. She never missed a birthday, never missed a Christmas. She was always apologizing and always wanting to do more. What she didn’t know was that her just remembering was the greatest present of all. Year after year. For 27 years I had her in my life – not near long enough. I look with great anticipation to sitting at the feet of Jesus, singing his praises together with her in Heaven. Mom, I will miss you. I will miss your kitchen and sitting at the table talking about our lives, I will miss watching you love on my children, and I will miss being loved by you. You were an amazing woman and I am richer for the hours we shared together. I love you Mom, I love you!

Finding The Right Words

The past 42 days have been quite interesting - to put it mildly. So here it is - I hope not to disappoint. If talking can help, really help...then it's time to talk. Prepare yourself, this is not pretty and it surely is not what you have been use to reading from me. If you want warm and fuzzy you might want to skip this one.

My husband and I have lost the church we founded seven years ago, founded on our testimony of grace to individuals who should know better.I have lost the ability to trust men whom I believed I could trust, who claim to be God fearing and God seeking only to realize that they do not know how to interpret God's word, but who do want to use it to ease their hearts.

I have lost the ideal of what I thought real friendship to be. Friendship in the bible is always about putting others first but allowing people to be human, mess up, share their souls, and love inspite of. It is about others before self in ALL situations. Not seeking ones own. Some how along the way I thought that if I could be that kind of a friend, that it was enough. It didn't matter what others said about you, or others, that holding on and loving enough would win out in the end. I believed some people were worth it. WRONG. Some people believe friendship to soley be about themselves, about their hurt, their feelings. Wrong again. Good bye ideal - hello God's word; it is always important to seek the Master plan, not what we hope others to be or use random scripture to fill our own guilty hearts.

I have lost something else. I have lost confidence in the concept that being a Christian for 45 years assures confidence in God. When life shatters and people disappoint, really disappoint, it is hard to believe what you have always believed. Being human assures of that. It is hard to believe, to have faith, that the God of Heaven has better plans. It's hard to find the right words to forgive, move on, believe better days are ahead, and believe that He can make something good out of the messes that men and women make.

I have lost the willingness to move past, I have lost the ability to always forgive. I have lost the joy that comes in watching and believing that the best is yet to be in friendship. I have lost the hope that God will make a better tomorrow, that friends will seek forgiveness, that men will do the right thing, that I have just not lived long enough, and that somehow all of this will work for the good.

I am lost! (for now).