Finding The Right Words

The past 42 days have been quite interesting - to put it mildly. So here it is - I hope not to disappoint. If talking can help, really help...then it's time to talk. Prepare yourself, this is not pretty and it surely is not what you have been use to reading from me. If you want warm and fuzzy you might want to skip this one.

My husband and I have lost the church we founded seven years ago, founded on our testimony of grace to individuals who should know better.I have lost the ability to trust men whom I believed I could trust, who claim to be God fearing and God seeking only to realize that they do not know how to interpret God's word, but who do want to use it to ease their hearts.

I have lost the ideal of what I thought real friendship to be. Friendship in the bible is always about putting others first but allowing people to be human, mess up, share their souls, and love inspite of. It is about others before self in ALL situations. Not seeking ones own. Some how along the way I thought that if I could be that kind of a friend, that it was enough. It didn't matter what others said about you, or others, that holding on and loving enough would win out in the end. I believed some people were worth it. WRONG. Some people believe friendship to soley be about themselves, about their hurt, their feelings. Wrong again. Good bye ideal - hello God's word; it is always important to seek the Master plan, not what we hope others to be or use random scripture to fill our own guilty hearts.

I have lost something else. I have lost confidence in the concept that being a Christian for 45 years assures confidence in God. When life shatters and people disappoint, really disappoint, it is hard to believe what you have always believed. Being human assures of that. It is hard to believe, to have faith, that the God of Heaven has better plans. It's hard to find the right words to forgive, move on, believe better days are ahead, and believe that He can make something good out of the messes that men and women make.

I have lost the willingness to move past, I have lost the ability to always forgive. I have lost the joy that comes in watching and believing that the best is yet to be in friendship. I have lost the hope that God will make a better tomorrow, that friends will seek forgiveness, that men will do the right thing, that I have just not lived long enough, and that somehow all of this will work for the good.

I am lost! (for now).